I was so delighted when North Bridge House school contacted me to deliver a parent session on navigating happy mealtimes. For the past 15 years, it’s been my mission to support parents in helping their children eat well, but all too often, the focus is unhelpfully centered around what children eat rather than how they eat. When we become overly concerned about what our kids are eating, we can lose sight of what is important in terms of their learning about mealtimes and the relationship with food that they are developing for the long term.

A well-known expert in the field of child feeding, Ellyn Satter, who also founded the ‘Division of Responsibility’ theory, is quoted as saying: “When the joy goes out of mealtimes, nutrition suffers.”

From my years of experience working with families, I can say firsthand how very true this is. Family mealtime dynamics should be optimized so that eating is a positive experience for children before they can enjoy eating well. Mealtimes should be occasions for children – and parents – to look forward to and be together, without pressure or stress. Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done.

Mealtime stress is experienced by so many parents, especially those of younger children. It can certainly be very worrying when you feel your child does not eat well. Everywhere you turn, there are messages about nutrition and what children should or shouldn’t be eating – from the news, health professionals, other parents or family members, and of course, social media. This puts huge pressure on parents and can create unnecessary worry, which translates into pressured mealtimes trying to get children to eat more or less of certain foods.

The aforementioned Division of Responsibility suggests that there are parent/carer and child roles in feeding and that, if everyone does their ‘job,’ mealtimes will be happy times and children are more likely to eat well. The parent/carer is in charge of what food is offered, when and where it is offered. The child is responsible for how much they eat (of the food that is provided) and whether they eat it at all. This gold-standard feeding approach is often quite different from the way mealtimes are conducted in many households.

One thing that is very clear from child feeding research is that pressure to eat more or less of certain foods causes children to do the very opposite. For the picky eater, trying to get them to eat more by whatever means possible can create anxiety, which only serves to dampen appetites. In response, the child pushes back and ends up eating less. And so, the cycle continues. It’s not easy to break this cycle, but having awareness and taking time to reflect on the mealtime situation is the first step.

This may be surprising to hear from a nutritionist, but I usually recommend that parents put nutrition to one side while working on improving their mealtime dynamics. Besides, there is a lot more goodness than one might think in foods typically enjoyed by children, such as bread and pasta! Additionally, a suitable children’s vitamin supplement may be useful to provide extra nutritional reassurance.

Every child and family is different and brings to the table different attitudes, histories, and personalities, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach. If only it were that easy! However, there are a few key principles parents can adopt to improve mealtime dynamics and provide the most supportive environment that will enable children to eat well. I have created the A-C-T Framework to help make these principles easier to remember:

Autonomy: Allow children more freedom over how much they want to eat – respect their appetites, encourage self-regulation, and let them be in charge of quantities. Provide self-serving opportunities wherever possible.

Connection: Use mealtimes as an opportunity to connect with your child – be present, sit and talk with them and, hard as it may be, try to keep the focus off how much they are or aren’t eating.

Trust: Build trust at the table – children know their bodies best, so let your child know you trust them to eat as much (or as little) as they need.

As all parents know, every day with children is a little different. This goes for mealtimes too. Moods, appetites, tiredness, illness… the list of factors that impact how well a child might eat from one day to the next is endless. As well as reflecting on the A-C-T Framework and how it might be relevant to you and your family, please be self-compassionate too. Feeding kids can be hard. You can only do your best and remember that there’s no such thing as a perfect mealtime.

If you would like to learn more about navigating happy mealtimes and A-C-T, please email Julia at hello@juliawolman.co.uk to receive her free video: The 3 Things Kids Need at Mealtimes to Help Them Eat Well.